Theatre of the bizarre

Is it just me?

I often wonder if i’m the sole inhabitant of this spinning marble in the sky, who steps outside his door and see’s and experiences most everything as though its an onion with the various layers being stripped away .. take Friday night for instance.

I went up to Sydney to watch a band at an RSL, i sort of figure most people would be happy enough with that, if you asked them they would say ‘Yup, saw a band at the club’ but this night for me turned out to be ‘Theatre of the bizarre’. I honestly dont think i’ve ever been to an RSL for entertainment before, and i hadnt really thought about it, but by the end of the night i was totally blown away at just how far removed i am from ‘average suburban life’, when i live in and amongst it .. and this isnt a blog where i’m gonna pick on the locals or hang shit on suburbanites, but for me it was an interesting excercise in how i have managed to stay completely detached from this life(style?) whilst living over the road from it.

I ventured up to Burwood RSL sort of situated in Sydneys South/West area, it was a little corner of Las Vegas hemmed in by semi detached houses. We got there at 7.00pm and the stream of people filing into the club dressed to the nines (well, if truth be told more like the sevens) was amazing, instantly it got me thinking, wow this is THE night for these people, they all seemed to know each other and you could tell that this was the night that they got to really gussy up and smear on the lippy and rouge.

Walking in i was at first confronted by a sign saying ‘No bags or packages over a certain size will be permitted in this club’ .. wow, terrorism alerts have reached the clubs of Burwood? and the acrid air of cigarette smoke at once permeated every fibre of my clothing, until you step into a full on smoking area you dont realise how much smoke has been eradicated from our venues and public places. My next ‘club life’ culture shock came when i mentioned at the bistro that i was vegatarian, ???????????

is all i saw on the faces behind the counter, i had to spell out in great detail that i would like just a plate of veges and the potato and mushroom soup, for which i payed top dollar, i think they thought being vegatarian made it exotic and so the doubling of the price, which wouldnt have been so bad if you really savoured a bowl of beef stock with a mushroom thrown in and bit of potato peel, my ‘Vege exotica’ consisted of some chips, opaque pumpkin and liquid corn, the liquid corn was a particular highlight as a dear friend of mine Koozbaine has a singular mission in life, and thats to find the worst food in clubland, this corn i’m sure would tip the scales for at the very least a merrit certificate to be awarded to this fine establishment in honour of their rancid food.

Making our way upstairs we entered the ‘Entertainment dome’ which was actually just the upstairs auditorium where every Wednesday morning they hold the chook raffles, tonights entertainment (or so i thought) was to be provided soley by the talents of ‘Jim Keyes, Russel Morris and Daryl Cotton’, between them these guys have around 12 Australian number one records, some of them true classics such as Jim Keyes ‘Do what you want to do’ and Russel Morris’ song ‘The real thing’. The auditorium soon filled with what turned out to be the ‘peripheral entertainment’ .. the audience.

The lights dimmed all too soon, cutting short my purusal of ‘fashion terrorism and deconstruction’. Just befor the lights dropped i did catch a glimpse of the enormous portrait of Her Majesty hanging on the wall, i couldnt help but think .. in years to come, will they REALLY have a portrait of Charles up there?, surely someone more worthy, like .. i dunno, Jack Meadows from The Bill?.

The band kicked off with a slew of hits, really impressive and if these guys were of the same calibre and in America they would be afforded the respect that lacked here tonight and would be playing in much larger venues, the applause was tepid to say the least at the start, tho once the crowd got a few larney juices under there belts it got a little more interesting and wild. We were right down the front so i thought i’d cop a look over my shoulder to see what was holding these people back, i go to heaps of concerts but mostly in the city or arena’s. When i had a look it was truely ‘Bizzaro land’ the audience was made of the most .. varied, cliched, foriegn people i have ever seen at a concert.

For a lot of these people i think it was just something to so on Friday night, to others it was obvious they had been dragged out by their partners who wanted to recapture, or try ‘to’ capture something that had by passed them in their youth, you could tell the partners of these people as they were the ones sitting there looking like Dame Edna’s bridesmaid Madge Alsop, with their arms folded and their mouths pursed into the most extreme cats arse pucker’s i’ve ever seen. For many others i feel it was a night to ‘go off’, to be taken back to a time before marrige, divorce, death and kids had set in, and through their plastic framed 80’s style spectacles you could see a look in their eyes that said ‘take me back, if only for awhile’ .. thats what i meant earlier about i cant just go and see a band, or anything much really without seeing a whole other picture, there are so many underlying things to everything going on around us if you peel away the layers and look at what is going on beyond a superficial level.

As the night wore on you could see more and more people who i’m sure lead the most ‘suburban’ lives just busting to head bang, to dance .. to let loose, do ANYTHING they dont usually do, something that they could leave behind as they walked out the door but still have a sly smile later on knowing that they had ‘gone wild’ if only for a few minutes.

Towards the end of the concert the most extrodinary thing happend, from tables far and wide the brave rose to dance and moved towards the front, to cut loose .. to enter into the unchartered territory of ‘freeform avante guarde interprative dance’, the concert had now become the ‘Burwood burlesque’ as groups clustered on either side of the stage, no one was brave enough to move to the centre .. not yet, at first the two groups wobbled a knee, then one girl in a maxi mini denim skirt let fly with what could only be described as ‘flailing semaphore’ arm movements, she was like a dyslexic trying to spell out the YMCA arm movements, from the corner of my eye i could see a tall ultra thin man wearing stretch grey stonewash denim jeans had suddenly remembered the dance steps so abley displayed and executed by Dick Smith in his self promoting ‘Dick Smith the electronic wizzard’ television commercials from the early 80’s, then whirring in front of me came Burwoods answer to Coutney Love, all lipstick zixo bleached hair, she had head banged her way from the group at the side, right to centre stage where she stopped at our table, sculled a schooner of beer, and without missing a single rythemic head thrash, moved back amongst her people. At first i thought the people at the right hand side of the stage had all taken ketamine, then i realised that most of these people probably hadnt danced since the progressive barn dance in high school.

Almost as soon as it had begun it was over, this break with conformity .. this step outside the square was at an end, the lights came up and the crowd .. who mostly knew each other were back to talking about aunt Mildreds bladder prolapse.

I dunno, to me it was just facinating .. *I* was outside MY circle, maybe .. hopefully someone there was looking at me and thinking the same things i was wondering about all those people, i’d like to think so.

With all good intent i vowed to blog every day but i’ve come to realise that somedays you just cant squeeze one out, or even find the time to, as with most things i always walk away if something is feeling forced (insert generic ‘Carry on’ double entdre(sp) here)

so i figure its better to say something when i feel like saying it, Hmmmm, whats that saying ‘He who speaks most ……………….. ‘ i’ll get back to you on that one.

I know, i know i should be broadening my horizons a little and ‘get out more’ but today i came across a fantastic pic in a magazine that is so horrifying that i’m having second thoughts about posting it, yes its another celebrity gone bad

Step up the mike Liza Minelli and ex hubby David (my face is melting) Guest, i knew this couple was troble from the time of there wedding, i mean Michael Jackson as best man and Elizabeth Taylor as bridesmaid!!??

I love Liza just because she is so unhinged and always teetering towards the steps of the BFC (Betty Ford Clinic) i believe Liza has brought time share in the BFC, i have priceless video footage of Ruby Wax interviewing Liza in a London hotel room, Liza brought along her a friend, obviously NOT a graduate of the BFC .. cant remember her name but she was one of Dr Who’s assistants (as a side bar the said ‘Friend of Liza’ once tried to have ‘intimacies’ my friend Beryl and one of his mates at a Dr Who convention, the fact that they are both gay didnt seem to slow her down any) during this interview with Ruby, Liza and her friend did all they could to stop from collapsing onto the floor, all to no avail as they crawled around the floor barking like dogs and then

re enacting the day they met at school and were beaten by the teacher with a splintering ruler, Liza tops this off with a knee knocking dance that only slows down when you can hear her recent hip replacement begin to splinter.

In the pic below Liza is on the recieving end of some ‘sweet lovin’ from hubby David, who by the way is now suing her for spousel abuse, he reckons Liza used to flog him, i say why not?.

To me this pic looks like a moment of nature, you know when the mother bird flys out the nest and comes back with a mouth full of worms and then regurgitates them into the baby chicks mouth?.

Just back from grocery shopping, i find it a very centering experience, Woolies is always chilled to just the right temprature for me, but what i REALLY love is you can stand there and read ALL the magazines without the presure you feel in a privately owned newsagent, you know where you constantly expect some pimply little snot to come up and ask ‘are you going to buy that?’ or my favorite ‘This isnt a library you know’, no one has ever said that to me yet, and i dont know how i’d react .. i’d probably just thump them, but at woolies there is no pressure, in fact it feels as if your expected to stand there for hours in the magazine isle, i once stood so long in a bookshop reading a really heavy book that when i went to put it down and leave my arms were frozen in the position i had been holding the book, my muscles seized and it lasted for a good 20 seconds, which was long enough to walk around looking as if i was pleading .. for something.The magazine display is now my favorite place to be in woolies, it used to be the pasta isle for one reason and another,

Its here at the magazine stand that i plow through all the gossip rags of the week, its from this possy i find out that Prince Edward has become a father and Prince Charles has been accused of having gay sex .. is it only me that see’s the irony in all that? but best of all its beween these pages that i’m pretty much guarenteed at least one celebrity plastic surgery disaster photo a week, and of those i cant get enough .. from an early age the cranial manipulation mutilation faux pas has facinated me, i have a ton of photos i’ve clipped stored in a box that ive kept over the years, i think Liberace was one of the pioneers of the ‘vanity mutilation’

This week i was so overwhelmed by a smorgasboard of face desecrations that i didnt know if i’d be thrown out of Woolies for standing in the isle rubbing my nipple and rocking back and forwards as i was confronted with not ONE, not TWO, but THREE!! magazines covers documenting Farrah Fawcetts latest tangle with a scalpel, Farrah has moved into the realm of the ‘contorted Jocelyn’, this is where the make over has gone so wrong that the victim looks as if they have been felled by a massive left hemisphere stroke .. oh its just fantastic.

In the photos below we see firstly a young glam Farrah who has been violated by a curling wand, nothing wrong with that. In the second photo we can see just how contorted and twisted her face has become, curving around to the right .. its almost plasticine-esque, the money shot is the last pic, here we can see Farrahs nostrils looking like they have been transplanted from Daniella Westbrooks nose (the actress from Coronation Street who snorted so much coke it rotted away the septum in her nose leaving her with a mono nostril) poor old FF’s nose looks like a bit of pork crackling has been taped onto her face and used as a nose, the discolourisation on it is proof of the massive trauma of knife through flesh, cartlidge being shattered that this poor old excuse for one of those red floppy things on a turkeys beak is of a nose.

Did anyone say mirror and credit card?,

Tammy xoxo

Seeing as its been the preverbial cliched ‘long hot summer’ i figured it was time to get Christine’s (my car) air conditioning fixed, the thought of travelling up to Sydney for fairday with only the open windows as relief from the odourous sauna that Christine becomes in summer was just too much, so a few hundred dollars later we (Adam, Tyson, Amy and i) were hurtling towards the big smoke in refrigerated discomfort, i didnt care if everyone had icycles dangling from there nostrils i payed TOP DOLLAR for the air conditioning to be fixed and i wouldnt be happy until snow flakes were shooting out of the vents, poor Tyson was wearing a leather jacket in the back seat, me? i was loving the novelty of being able to lean forward in my seat without hearing the slurp and gurgle of my shirt peeling from my back.

We trotted up to Victoria park which is between the city and Newtown, i was glad it was a little overcast as there is nothing more horrifying than fairday during a heat wave, i’ll never forget the year five dogs died of heart attacks .. and i STILL dont get the whole thing of taking your dog and parading around with it, altho this year i was pretty impressed to see a queen leading a rabbit around on a leash, Adam decided that he must eat as soon as we got there, the search was on to find something other than the fetta cheese and spinach ‘brake pads’ the Turkish ladies make, one guy we met there was gobbling them up, he nearly choked on one, but thats okay as he was pretty rude to me later on, we settled down for a feast of noodles in front of the karaoke stand, if the raw noodles didnt make me vomit then the standard of singing was about to, we said our farewells to my niece Mellissa who was there for the day and moved on with ‘Beryl’ .. who needs a blog all to herself to explain the entity that she is.

We headed up the hill towards the the lube slide .. dont ask, from the distance i could hear the hark ‘Spuddddy spuddddy’ (ONE nickname i have is ‘Spud’) i looked down the hill to see my old sister and favorite drag queen in the whole world Dee Dee L’mar waving at me, with Dee Dee was her lady in waiting Miss Margot Gashme

we skipped off down to meet them and were a little concerned that maybe the sun had got to them as they were a little ‘teetery’ on there pins, after being reassured that they were fine we got a couple of pics and sent them on there way to spread a little magic on the main stage where Margot told me to listen out at 4.15pm as she was going to cock her leg and fart into the microphone just for me, what a gem.

We scampered around to the stall that our friends Daniel and Todd were manning to say a quick hello before we headed off to the theatre, we couldnt say no to Daniel when he asked us to fill in a survey form, Beryl and i were standing next to each other doing this and laughing as we HAD to lie on it, i mean we couldnt own up to half the things this health survey was asking, i was especially shocked when i handed my form back and found that the person who was there before me had already half filled my form in on the back page, lets just say he he is fibbing more than me, or he is living the life of a debauched maniac ..

I’ll blog more later on our trip to the theatre after fairday, thats another mood and story altogether.

Meanwhile here’s a couple of fairday photos of Adam, Tyson, Dee Dee, Margot and JD.

The Tingler xoxo

I’m a little emotionally drained today, as I’m sure you all are after hearing
the news that Ken and Barbie have split up.

The MD and press officer of Mattel held a press conference to make this announcement.

I’m pretty stoked tho that it’s a polyethanol Aussie stud, ‘Blaine the boogey
boarder’ that is now getting to rub mounds with Barbie. Lets face it, once
Ken came accessorised with grey slip on shoes with zips, he was rooted
as far as Barbie was concerned.

I don’t think GI Joe would be that interested now either.

I wonder if they have a shelter for all the unwanted and
unloved Ken dolls?. A group where all the discarded Kens meet up and have
workshops, with butchers paper, and rebirth and curl up in the foetal position?
(probably not, Kens legs don’t bend do they, just another reason for GI Joe to brush him off).

Still, it was good of CNN to make it the lead story, it’s not like anyone want’s to deal with reality these days.

Here we are at the end of another weekend, it was a pretty eclectic couple of days for me, Saturday was spent corousing around with the fantastic Miss Barbie Q, its been FAR too long since she’s pulled on the size 12 stilleto’s. We met up at the gay mens drop in at Acon .. i’m thinking about doing some more volunteer work up there, i sorta miss being involved, and being at the front line and cause of all that gossip so they threw on a BBQ for Barbie Q, plans were made for Mardi Gras Fairday next weekend, make sure to drop back as i’ll be posting heaps of pics of hot guys from the day, as well as the odd photo of over heated dogs, frazzled Lesbians and celebrities trying to be incognito. Today Sunday was spend working myself up for a game of tennis, Adam and i played against Amy and her sister.

I couldnt believe how competitive they were i’m from the school of ‘If the ball heads my way i MAY run for it’ but these girls are serious tennis players, needless to say Adam served to me everytime he knew i was gazing at the guys on the next court .. he still didnt get an ace tho.

Below is a pic of Tammy and Barbie