So recently I’ve become an iPhone whore, after the initial excitement of sliding my fingers over the screen had waned, the next thing to sus out were ‘App’s’. After being responsible, and downloading the travel planner application, I of course searched out all the gay ones.

Perhaps it say’s more about me, and my marketability, but I’ve found these to be about as useful as the proverbial tits on a bull (not passing judgment on the handful of male bovines, who I’m sure would enjoy having tits), apart from skeezing around, and seeing who else in town has decided to take a shot at everlasting happiness, or a quick hand job and date finger while the better half is at ‘Thai-rific’ picking up the take away, it’s only real use seems to be how to accurately measure the lengths, and depths, of rudeness, arrogance, stupidity, and vulgarity in the digital world of App driven lust and love. All these things have there place, however it’s fantastic to have one application that enables you to collect all these things together, for statistical analysis.

I’ve learnt that Grindr is no place for basic manners, that ‘Catch up for coffee’ really means, “I want to come to your place with unmanicured toenails, and have you ravage me in five minutes”, that answering ‘How old are you?’ means you never hear from that person again, even if you’ve just been chatting as friends, that to ask for a photo from someone with a faceless profile, usually results in a pic of a badly lit penis being forwarded to you, I dunno, call me old fashioned, I enjoy seeing a persons smile before a smegmatic wang.

I’ve noticed a trend, that after nothing more than ‘Hello’, the next question is quite often ‘Do you have a dick pic?’, again, call me an alarmist, but I would probably be erring on the next question being along the lines of ‘Are you a serial killer?’, ‘Do you steal under garments from clothes lines of the poor?’, ‘Have you a penchant for defecating in the cistern of peoples homes you visit?’, you know, the important questions.

And now returning to the topic of ‘The dick pic’, you know, if you’re going to digitally display your tossel, and use it as a calling card, or as an artistic display in which to lure guys into your lustful peeny spiders web, how about exercising a little artistic quality control?, a wang is usually a difficult thing to make look attractive at the best of times, laying back, squinting an eye, holding up your iPhone on a wonky angle, and photographing said member from upside down, very rarely produces the most flattering of results*, it either captures your Smurf collection, lined up on the chest of drawers at the end of your bed, a sickeningly coloured, or discoloured bedspread, a flash of wallpaper hung in 1978, or in one photo sent to me in a futile attempt to win my heart, it strangely looked as if the person had only one nut, now I’m not a ‘Nuttist’, but if you have a full set, then don’t do yourself a disservice get your swingers well lit and positioned, unless you’re angling for a niche market. Sometimes a smear of vaseline would be better placed on the lens, than on your member.

I dunno, these fangled things, i know what the parameters of Grindr are, but I still like romance, the art of conversation, the mystery, the allure. Any willing, and capable applicants, please mail me, I promise I won’t block you.

*No such photo’s of me, can, or will, ever appear on the net, to the great relief of many I’m sure.