As promised an array of some of Beryl Palmers most alluring fashions.

Blue eye shadow: I’m not sure if it’s a fault in the actual photo, or if Beryl was pissed when she applied her blue eye shadow, but it looks as if she’s smeared it up her arm. We can also see Beryl isn’t as poor as she makes out, as she obviously has at least two watches judging by the tan mark on her arm. Upon close examination we can see that Beryl either has a lump of spinach on her tooth, or she pre dated Madonna’s gold tooth fashion accessory by about twenty years.

Ribbon: Aaaaah lovely, red taffeta how can you go wrong with that?. The little red ribbon around Beryl’s neck reminds me of the yellow ribbon’s American’s tie around tree’s whenever a hostage is taken, maybe this is Beryl’s message, that she is a hostage to taffeta and extreme fashion.
I have no medical training whatsoever, but i am a little concerned about the obvious fluid retention in Beryls hands.

Swizzle stick: Not sure what is going on here, Beryl may have a little Indian influence happening, then again, maybe she got the pattern wrong, and misjudged the hem of her smock when she was running this up on her pfaff. I’m loving the Baby Jane rouge on the cheeks, and she’s got a glass of larney juice as an accessory, now THAT’S style.

Gut buster: Okay, it’s obvious now from the number of photo’s of Beryl having a tipple, that they had to get her pissed to wear some of these frocks. The skirt Beryl is wearing in this photo, is the kind old ladies usually wear to disguise a fibroid growth. As a bonus we get the Tammy Faye eye make up, and the ever disturbing, puffy sleeves.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr: Red and green should never be seen, either dye the hair Beryl, or lose the frock!

Cardie: B/w, but how artistic. You know i never saw Beryl wearing a cardie with her arms through the sleeves, she always wore them over the shoulder, which must have been a pain in the arse on those cold, blustery, Melbourne days.

Blue ruin: Only Beryl would think to match the blue piping on her sleeves, with her eye shadow.

Podiatrophile: A revealing close up of one of Beryl’s gorgeous gold heels, i must say, I’m mightily impressed that there is nary a sign of a corn, unless she’s had them shaved off. You can tell she lives in heels, by the almost Japanese foot binding shape of her toes.

What can be said about the group The Shaggs? Perhaps the most unerving thing is, they were full on serious. When you listen to this, you will realise just how scary that concept is.

I’m not one who agree’s with violence in any form, but lets face it, Beryl Palmer in ‘Son’s and Daughters’ probably deserved at the very least, a fierce berating for all the fashion attrocities she inflicted upon the general public over the years.

Going back to those moments of, ‘I should have known i was gay when .. ‘

During a recent clean up, i found a video tape i had made years ago of Beryl’s fashion disasters I used to tape the show, and edit all of Beryls entrances together, so it’s one long putrid fashion parade. Even more scarey was turning up my stash of late 70’s/early 80’s Tv Week magazines, where i had kept each issue that featured the salubrious Beryl. I think it’s only fair to share some of those images, with those foolish enough to visit this page, stay tuned.

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS:

A few weeks ago my mate Dave from Melbourne paid his first visit to Wollongong, we crammed heaps in in two days, from perving at surfie boys at the beach, site seeing at the top of a mountain AND a full on ‘RAWK AND ROLL’ concert, i think Dave was quite surprised that Wollongong wasnt some grimey impoverished industrial town which to most people still is the perception.

PIC 1: This is still one of the best views i’ve seen anywhere, it’s the top of My Keira at the back of Wollongong.

PIC 2: Ahhhhhhhhh Dave, there’s something i’ve got to tell you .. the lookout where we are standing in this photo slipped about a thousand metres into the valley below two weeks after this pic was taken, lucky we got it when we did!

PIC 3: ‘HELLO WOLONGONG!!’ and so the cry went up from the stage at the Paul Stanley concert at the Wollongong Entertainment Centre, i kept commenting to Dave ‘Wow, he still has a full head of hair’ .. nup, plugs. ‘Wow, his face still looks youthful’ .. nup, lifted ‘Wow, he still moves really well’ .. nup, two hip replacements. Call me old fashioned but maybe i’d better stop asking questions about my heroes as it only ever leads to disappointment, next thing i’ll be hearing is that Brittney really IS sane.

PIC 4: Total t shirt envy, Dave turned up with this shirt and i really think it’s one of the coolest ones i’ve ever seen.

For the longest time i’ve been collecting putrid album covers, i can sniff out a Mrs Mills album from a mile away. I’m going to start posting a few of them here, how many ‘K-tell’ album covers will you be able to stomach?

Oh Courtney, Courtney, Courtney .. what have you DONE to yourself!!?? what made you think you would look better after having someone batter, and slash away at your face!?. This is so, so, wrong. You were so beautiful before this.

MORE FROM THE NOTICE BOARD:

Chug-a-lug darl!: It’s hard to tell weather the delectable Pauline is slamming down a shot glass, or sculling something from a specimen jar, looks like a specimen jar to me. Is it just me or does her nose look like it has a permanant groove in it from accomodating said shot/specimen glasses? .

Pauline the fashionista: Oh my lovely, no one tucks in a ‘Magnetic island’ t shirt into to her Supre jeans and comes off looking stunning quite like Pauline, and tho you cant see it i just know she is wearing cowboy boots with the jeans tucked into the top, or maybe an erection rousing pair of white joggers .. oh my dear sweet Pauline, didnt my heart beat with pride when the Ostrayan nation took you to their hearts on ‘Dancing with the stars’, yes indeedy it filled my heart with such hope to see how the Ostrayan public took you in as the poster girl for all that is white, bright .. and not a little bit brown, or gay .. what a fantastic country of forward thinking, individualistic people we have down here in Ostraya.

EXIT, STAGE LEFT:

Recently Adam has been using me as a stunt man for some of his little projects, as a mock up for a new web page he built he needed me to act as if i was being pulled off the stage with a hook around my neck, this wasn’t too bad, but then ..

He needed me to have my head cast in latex and plaster to make a life mask, i was assured I’d be alright ‘We’ll leave some holes where your nostrils are, we looked this up on the net’ riiiiiiight, that makes me feel a lot more assured, of course the net didn’t mention that plaster when drying becomes hot, which causes ones sinuses to swell and close!!

The spooky end result, by the way, that’s the real me on the left!

JFKFC:
Ahhhhhh Joan, you’ve got to love her, what a toiler. When she wasnt starring in TROG opposite a man in a papier mache gorilla costume, she was flogging Pepsi, working the Oval office or trying to get the secret of the eleven herbs and spices out of Colonel Sanders, what a gem.

Talking to a friend in an email about Diana prompted me to remember the time I met her in 1988. I’m a Di-ist not a Royalist, so meeting Diana was a dream come true, it still rates right up there on my ‘I can’t believe that happened’ list.

It was January 1988, and Diana and Charles came to Wollongong to open the IPAC (Illawarra Performing Arts Centre) I got there early and cased the joint, looking for spots where Charles and Diana would have to slow down or stop their walking. I found out they were going to enter the town hall through the back door, so they would have to walk up from where they were sitting for the ceremony.

During my sniffing around I overheard a girl talking near the back door and she was telling someone that her mum was the deputy Lord Mayor, and that her mum was going to try and bring Diana over to meet her. Strait away I channelled Larry Tate and became her instant best friend. Seeing I was there early I was in the front row, and no interloper was going to get in front of me.

Sure enough after the BORING speeches were made Diana started to walk up towards us, and I was horrified to see Charles the ninny was working the crowd on OUR side!!, When Diana got closer the deputy Lord Mayor said to her, ‘Princess Diana my daughter is just over here, could you say hello?’ so bless her Jimmy Choo pumps she said ‘Of course!’ and came over to us. The best part was watching the crowd moan and hiss when she left the side opposite, Charles had to go and apologise and stay out of peoples way while they strained to look at Diana who was now on our side of the walkway.

To this day the memory is seared into my brain, she stood no more than a foot away from me talking, and honestly, for a young queen I was awe struck by her natural beauty. Her skin WAS translucent, and her eyes crystal clear blue. When it came time for me to say hello, protocol flew out the window as I said, ‘Hi Di!’ as I shook her hand, and just talked shit.

I know it’s< been said a million times before, and people would say it was just the excitement of being close to her, but she really did exude a lovely warmth, a beautiful aura, I've only felt this one other time, and that was when I met Linda McCartney, some people really do have a beauty that radiates. As soon as she moved away I after our chat, and shaking hands, I pulled a tissue out of my pocket and wiped her blue blood, DNA, royal juices onto it. I still have the soiled tissue safely tucked away. The photo's I took that day aren't that clear as it was
so bright and hot, the reflection of the late afternoon sun on the surrounding buildings hit the lens, but the heat DID mean that Diana was broiling up a lovely stream of genetic juice on her palms, which enabled me to get a good swipe onto my poised Kleenex.

Just as Diana moved past me someone behind was standing on an old wooden fruit box, and in their excitement must have been bouncing up and down on it, sure enough, the rickety old crate gave way, splintered, and broke apart. This would have been funny, except the sound of the timber splintering sounded like gunfire, Diana’s security all grabbed for their jacket pockets, and armed SWAT officers popped up from on top of the surrounding buildings (I filmed this on an old Super 8 camera).

The crowd laughed when they realised it was just the fruit box that had fallen to pieces, and security visibly relaxed, but for a few seconds it was a little hairy. I’ve met a lot of famous (and infamous) people over the years, but to this day meeting Diana remains very special.

The Royal Slaynel: Well you’ve got to give it to Wollongong, we do try, sure we couldnt offer Charles and Diana a Rolls Royce, but it does look like they at least gave the old Ford Fairlane a wash and a polish.

Diana: I snapped this photo just before Diana stopped in front of us for a chat.

The Kleenex: Below we see my forensic pride and joy, a smear of Diana’s DNA from her sweaty hand.

New Idea: Below is a photo of Diana in Wollongong that was printed in New Idea.

Below: Just about to meet Diana.

HARRISON’S LAMENT:
Alas, alas dear sweet Harrison, for we did but know you such a short sweet time, oh wondrous faux blonde moppet shafted from Big Brother before we had the chance to gaze apon your pert sweet anus, protruding incisors catch the glint of the morning sun, blonde downy welcome mat awaits my tired and journeyed feet. Cast aside from the realms of reality tv back to the even more awful reality of unemployment, you have given us joy ever so briefly with your dimples and snail trail of perfection, artificial dread locklettes studio 54 mid calf white socks a wonder of 50% cotton and 50% brynylon. Begone!! you haggard buzzard Gretel, be silenced you excessive sibilancer! for this year you offend me .. alas, alas.

NOTICE BOARD: Ever since i was a teenager i’ve had a notice board stuck up on my wall where i pin up and stick all sorts of shit, it’s followed me around wherever i’ve moved, last week i decided it was time to strip away the layers and file the bits and pieces away, it was sorta funny seeing all these scrappy memories, before i threw them in a drawer i scanned up a few bits and pieces that i stuck up on the board.

Hot Rod Dog: I’ve always had a thing about dogs in slings and carts, i think it harkens back to a dog i saw when i was just a little child that had been hooked up to a kids play trolly when it had lost the use of it’s legs, i see now some of these disabled pooches even have mag wheels and suspension!.

Rosey Cheeks: Mariana and Barb’s sent me this stunning card, Hilary looks like she would have stinky hair.

Bored Doodlings: I got bored one day and doodled on this postcard in Melbourne and then mailed it to myself, what a sad plonker i am.

Baltimore: A crab scratchie i purchased in Baltimore the store i got this was the setting for a John Waters movie, i still cant believe i didnt buy a ‘I got crabs in Baltimore’ t shirt, oh well .. i’ll just have to go back.

JFKFC: My luggage tag from New York, the greatest city in the world (besides Sydney and Melbourne) i’d live there in a flash and felt like it was my home after just two days.

Pretty Pretty Dr Smith: Ah yes, the Hey Homo parties at HOME night club at Cockle bay, how novel that the urinals were mirrors with cascading water down them .. it’s art sweetie.

3D:

I love this retro photo, it’s an old slide from a drive in theatre advertisment. It’s especially cool because it looks 3D on the computer screen.