FRIDGE MAGNETS:

Recently a few friends in the States by coincidence decided to gift me with fridge magnets, one a Jackie O set and another was of Paul in his swimming trunks, my middle name is ‘Mix and match’ so thats just what i done, i think Paul looks fabbo with his magnetic Oleg Cassini dress on, and in the second pic in honour of Jackie O’s Cousins Big and Little Edie Beale i decided to mix up Jackie’s outfit so her pants are on upside down and on her head instead of a pillbox hat is a lovely heel, ‘I have to think these things up .. ‘

EMO’S:

Above pic: Me with native bird of Australia the ‘Emo’, my nieces partner Emily is from the States and for her birthday we took her to look at some native animals, she will deny it but i’m sure i heard her refer to the ‘Emu’s’ as the ‘Emo’s’.

Above pic: Me communing with a Kangaroo, everyone thinks they are all nice and cuddly and these ones were pretty docile, but i once saw a giant roo try to almost disembowl my brother, it torn his shirt and cut him (i missed most of the action, i was too busy racing to get my camera out) but these little guys were cute, plus being a vege i have a theory that animals dont smell death and slaughter on me so they dont ever bug me.

Above pic: I LOVE this photo that my niece Lis took, i call it ‘The Persistence of wheelchair’ as i find this pic very Dali-esque, i was trying to get the kangaroo to wear my glasses but it was freaking out, i think it thought it was hallucinating (much like what i see when i wear them) i love how my hand is framing it’s head and in the background is my mum sitting in a wheelchair but if you look closely her legs are reflected and distorted in the glasses, hey give me a break, i’m an Aquarian, i see art in just about everything.

BAD RONALD:




Recently my zygot sister in trash Marcia turned up gold on ebay when he landed a copy of my all time favorite scary movie from when i was a kid ‘Bad Ronald’, it was great watching it again and it was every bit as cheap, nasty and camp as i remember it, it’s weird after blogging about Number 96 and now Bad Ronald both from my early youth i realise that even back then i may not have known what it was called but i was totally drawn to the camp value in all these movies and tv shows, even things like Shelly Winters swimming scene in The Poseidon Adventure i totally saw the camp in that, and so the question begs, nature v’s nurture? i’m going with nature.

SOFT SERVE:

I guess a meditation in my life should be ‘As long as bread and butter pudding and soft serve are available to me on a dinner plate maybe life isnt so bad after all’

FROM MY NOTICE BOARD:

CLONE:

My friend Ves was at the hairdresser recently when this guy walked in, she done a double take when she looked at him and was struck by his likeness to me, i think it’s pretty close, even down to the hairline around the sides.

BOOKS:



I want these books on my shelf.

THE SEVENTIES:

I was reading a news article and someone mentioned the seventies and the memories that era evokes, the seventies in Aussie was far different to the seventies we are fed from the USA so i sat down and starting jotting down a few evocative words and images that came to mind, i may have mentioned ‘Sunnyboy ice blocks’ about ten times, for some reason they kept coming to mind, and the brain freeze these triangular ice treats would bring on, not to mention ripping the plastic foil inner apart at the end to see if you got a ‘FREE’!!, feel free to mail me back with anything i may have missed ..

* Surfmats and the blurting wheezing foot pumps to inflate them.

* Jerry King (Helicopter Pilot extraordinaire)from Skippy was the biggest spunk alive.

* Hamburgers were considered a staple diet (meat with 3 veg)

* Sunnyboy ice blocks.

* Making best friends with the kids on the street who had an inground pool.

* Beta vs. vhs (remember the remote-control with the cord.

* Waterbomb fights (Mrs Rogers scored a direct hit)

* Free lollies at the service station.

* Hot dogs from the service station.

* Hardies hamburgers (Hurry on down to Hardies, where tha burgers are barbequed)

* Recycling coke cans (about 3000 netted you five cents)

* Thursday night shopping.

* Street water fights in summer and running through the sprinkler.

* Skateboarding and acheiving the death wobbles.

* Glass milk-bottles.

* Denim ‘Gear and stuff’ school bags and sliding them as hard and fast down the corridor at school like a bowling ball.

* Barney banana ice creams.

* The wonderful food from the school canteen! Cheese Things, Wing Dings, Jupiter Bars, Apollo Bars, Apricot Delights (2c), Meat Pies for 18c, wax cup of cordial for 5c. Kung fu ice blocks, Rockets, Choc Blocks,Polaboys (5c), Buzz bars, Whips,Chocolate buds (2 for 1c), GI Coola.

* Bell boy bubble gum (best tasting bubble gum EVER)

* Fat Albert.

* Super Flying Fun Show with Miss Marilyn (hot!, tho i had a little ‘thing’ for Skeeter)

* Marty and Emu.

* Skeeter.

* The Wotasaname Show.

* Rex Mossop and 7’s Big game.

* Throwdowns.

* The Bionic Man/Woman.

* Action figures (i had a TON of them, including Action Jackson, Gaylan from Planet of the apes and my Gi Joe even had a REAL beard and looked freakin HOT in his orange frog man outfit, tho .. i have to admit my heart belonged to Big Jim, and the best present i ever got was ‘Big Jim’s country camper’, oh how i wish i still had that)

* Billy carts.

* Intermission at the movies.

* HR Puff n Stuff.

* 20c mixed lollies.

* Free iron on transfers (I still have a Number 96 one unironed)

* Home for dinner when the sreet lights came on.

* Amco Jeans.

* A pair of Bogarts with body shirt platform shoes,

* Ian Macrae the Hon Nick Jones,

* Frank Hyde.

* Vertical grillers.

* Ben Ean mozelle.

* Razzes.

* Choo-Choo bars.

* Ice cold little bottles of gold top milk at school.

* The African Lion Safari.

* Bullen’s animal world.

* Slippery dips and park equipment built on concrete.

* Luna park, the Rotor, River Caves and Big Dipper.

* Lighting your own fireworks on Cracker night.

* Foam eskies and surfboards…(anyone remember the KFC surfboard with the Colonel’s happy smiling face on it?

* Hang Ten t-shirts.

* Chicko rolls.

* Parents able to leave us at the pools all day without a worry.

* TV was Hanging out for Countdown on a Sunday.

* Leif Garret was a spunk (oh yehhhhh)

* Eight is Enough.

* ‘Family’ with Sada Thomson and Kristy Mcnichol.

* The Goodies.

* Dr Who.

* The Catherine Wheel that would be nailed to the garage and would always get stuck.

* Slime (also had a variety with worms)

* The Poseidon Adventure.

* Catweasel (Best kids show ever)

* Throwdowns and collecting all the little bits of rock.

* Big Macs in Red Cardboard Boxes.

* Hey Hey its Saturday (on saturday morning before Daryl turned into a knob)

* Getting colour TV after years of BW ( but only an hour a day)

* Marshalls Portable Music Machine.

* Magic Roundabout.

* Basil Brush.

* Hecktor Projector.

* Live animation Rupert the bear.

* Parka’s.

* Stubbies shorts.

* Crystal Cylinders pink and baby blue surf tees.

* Valiant Charger.

* Scooped boardshorts (still hot and back in fashion this year)

BRIAN WILSON IN SYDNEY:

Hi everyone,

A quick post .. i’ll write more on my blog later but at
the moment i’m tired after a mad two days and an
AMAZING day today.

Short version of the story ..

Today i got to meet and get a photo and autograph with
Brian Wilson, he was lovely, gracious, funny.

It was a surprise getting to meet him so when i sat
down and shook his hand he said ‘Wow, your hand is
cold .. and sweaty!’ i said ‘Yeh, i’m nervous!’
i told him i’d warm it up for him and rubbed my butt,
he smiled and said ‘Maybe you could use one of those
hand dryers’ .. later as he was leaving he grabbed my
hand and said ‘Ahhh, now it’s warm’

Definately one of the top ten days of my life .. more
pics to come,

Greg xoxo

KNOTS LANDING:

Speaking of Knots landing, Joan Van Ark always had a bit of a weird thing happening with her face and hair, in recent years Joan has obviously tried to correct this with plastic surgery and i’m pleased to say Joan has gone WAY over the top and we now have a new member of the ‘Cranio destruction society’.

MUTANT LIBERAL:

I love this, someone in Adelaide altered this election poster, i dont feel bad posting it seeing as she is a liberal.

# 1 WITH A BULLET:
Inspired to my recent visit to ‘The needle and the damage done’ show at the Opera house i’ve been searching the net for more album covers that one day i hope to have in my collection ..

ABOVE PIC: Please insert large organ joke here.

ABOVE PIC: You know i think i may actually have this album?.

ABOVE PIC: A dog with a camera .. nice.

ABOVE PIC: Best hair ever on an album cover.

PUCK YOU TAMMY!!:

HOW, WHAT, WHEN AND WHY:
I always love it when people say to me ‘So when did you turn gay?’ the only response i have is ‘I dunno, when did you turn strait?’ i dont buy the theory that you just become one or the other when you hit your mid teens, i always have been gay and have always known it .. i didnt know ‘what’ it was called or even really what it was, but i’ve always had crushes on guys, from even when i was little, i think back now to how funny it was, all the boys in my class when we were nine or ten-ish talking about and day dreaming about Marcia Brady and all i could ever think about was her brother Peter, or later when i was about fifteen and a heap of us would gather together to watch Knots Landing and again all the lads would be goggle eyed over Nicolette Sheridan and of course i’d be eyeing off Patrick Peterson who played Michael Fairgate, an early indicator to my friends should have been the time i admitted i cried when Michael’s father on the show Sid Fairgate died in a cliff hanger. Back to what prompted this, the other day while scouring the net i came across a couple of photo’s of my childhood crushes, Patrick Peterson who was on ‘Knot’s Landing’ and Matthew Labortaux who played Albert Ingles on Little house on the prairie as well as a mega rare photo of Chris Knight and Maureen McCormick’s album, ah such innocent times, when did life and romance get so serious?

ABOVE PIC’S: Patrick Peterson.

ABOVE PIC: Matthew Labortaux.

ABOVE PIC: Maureen McCormick and Chris Knight.

PUCK YOU WENDY’S!: Last weekend while visiting a friend i felt the urge while out shopping to splash out and also risk a little flatual backlash by springing for a Wendy’s chocolate milkshake, when i was handed the shake i went all Seinfeld and got all huffy, this isnt the standard milkshake container size? apparently yes it is now, this cup had shrinkage. As with everything including the marshmallow on Iced vo vo’s it has been reduced in size, i know my milkshake container girth’s and Wendy’s has cut there’s down, way down, what a gyp!, i hope the company and everyone associated with perpetrating this sham goes broke .. or at the very least becomes lactose intolerant and ends up with a weeping arse each time they drink one of these Sham Shakes.

LOVE HANDLES: I am currently in the throes of an addiction of monsterous proportions, lamingtons with cream in the middle, this isnt a nibble every couple of weeks, i’m averaging two or three of these mothers a week, our work canteen sells the freshest ones i’ve ever tasted, i simply dont know how to say no and i know things are getting bad when a work mate said to me this morning ‘Greg, you have cream on the end of your nose’ .. i have a problem.

A DAZE IN THE LIFE: I think poor Christine and i have set a record for most distance covered in the least amount of time this weekend, it started off on Friday with all good intentions, i was off to the December Unity meeting, but i was shagged! so i thought I’d have a wee nana nap before i headed out .. this turned into a three hour nana coma so Friday night was a write off, but i did get an unheard of ten hours sleep, then it all got a little crazy. On Saturday morning i headed up to Sydney to see my friend Matt who was visiting from Melbourne, Matt and i met years ago as pen pals and have become ‘off paper’ friends and catch up whenever we can, parked Christine in a ‘Costanza spot’ on Crown St Surrey Hills and wandered down the road, hmmmm whats this i spy? a new op shop? should i go in?, I’m running late but something drew me in (and it wasn’t the musty smell of the clothes) i walked strait down the end where i could see some books displayed and there sitting on the top shelf (where else) i saw it, it beckoned me like a beacon and time truly seemed to stand still, my hands reached up .. higher and higher until they gently grasped and lowered the book to my heaving bosom ‘A Rose by any other name’ Rose Porteous’s autobiography!! the very book i have searched high and low for for years, scouring ebay like a manic teuretic librarian, i have never seen this book listed anywhere, and it was ONLY four dollars!!, little did the homely shop keeper realise that i would have paid four millllllion dollars for it, such is my passion for the lovely la stupendous Rose, the old guy behind the counter leant over and whispered to me ‘Do you like her?’ i leant in towards him and whispered back ‘I love her’ he gave me a look and said ‘I cant believe it’s been on the shelf a whole week’.

ABOVE PIC: Gold from the shelves of op.

Once i had my book clenched in my sweaty little paw i scampered off to my friend Matt’s hotel where we caught up, had a quick chat (Matt is a celebrity journalist and has ALL the good goss) we then raced out for a lunch of sushi which ended up taking much longer to eat as it was right next to a gym and the parade of muscled up boys had us sitting their with mouths agape and bits of tofu and seaweed hanging from our open mouths, after that it was off up Oxford st for some shopping and on the way back we came across ‘Mr Gimp the charity case’, just another reason i love Sydney so much .. here is a guy standing on the corner with his wanger and arse hanging out, begging for money in a leather mask and people were just walking by him without so much as a sideways glance.

ABOVE PIC: Mr Gimp the charity case.

After stopping to admire the somewhat stained wonder’s of the gimp it was time for a refreshing drink so Matt and i found a cafe and relaxed awhile and carried on the chatter.



ABOVE PICs: Crown st cafe

I then had to leave Matt and race back to Rockdale to see my friends Julie and Mary, this was a quick visit then it was back into the city and parking in the Opera house, from there i walked to the Rocks and met Barb’s for dinner at a really beautiful Thai restaurant over looking circular quay and the international passenger terminal, it was such a lovely evening, Barbara and i then walked around to the Opera house to watch a performance of ‘The needle and the damage done’ the best way to explain this show is from a flyer .. “It really is is shockingly bad,” says Fiona Scott-Norman of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival hit she is bringing to the Opera House. “The whole show is full of shockingly bad stuff.”

At first appearance it seems a strange way to entice audiences but, in the case of The Needle And The Damage Done, bad is kitsch, and kitsch is good.

Over 75 minutes, Scott-Norman counts down a top 10, or should that be bottom 10, of the worst albums of all time. She trawls through the collection of just-plain-wrong vinyl she has amassed over the years, starting as a teenager in England when she shoplifted a Rolf Harris LP. It was strange preparation for her move to Australia at 18 but great grounding for her Melbourne radio program Trash Is My Life.”

ABOVE PIC: Barb’s and i at the Opera house, we asked the tourist who took the photo to make sure he got Luna park in the background of the pic, alas we later found out he didn’t speak English, that will teach me not to pick a photographer based on how hot they look.

The evening was made slightly more interesting (more or less) with the arrival of Tim Freedman from the band the Whitlams into the audience, a more tiresome, self important, boorish, drunk you could never hope to meet .. he tried heckling and drawing attention to himself and all i could think was ‘What a sad and sorry shit wadd you are, you must REALLY be missing your fifteen minutes of fame’

ABOVE PIC: Boorish has been Tim Freedman.

The show was an absolute hoot and i was happy to see that i had at least a third of the albums on display in the show, AND my faves ‘The Shaggs’ came out as all time winners of worst album ever!, if you scroll a few posts down you will see a post about the Shags i made awhile ago.

I crashed out at Barb’s place and Sunday morning we headed over to North Bondi for breakfast, yum yum yum .. and everyone over there is soooooper cool and funky, it reminds me of St Kilda with board shorts. I said farewell to Barb’s then drove down to Central station to pick up Greg (another Melbourne visitor), we revved up Christine who was LOVING all this racing around and we headed out to the Paramatta record fair, one or two bargains were to be had but it was mainly about catching up with some friends there, it was amazingly hot in the hall where it was held and the ratio of over heated, sweating, unwashed, dirty of exposed toenail, matted haired nerds to more sanitary glamour pusses such as myself was about 100/1 .. in THEIR favour, it was like walking through some futuristic conceptual art gallery for the blind where they have only different scents and stenches pumped out every one or two metres for the sightless to sniff and visualise, lets just say there were some heady aroma’s. It WAS cool to catch up with old friends Bruce and Gary (who were of course ‘Odour neutral’)

ABOVE PIC: Gary (Inspector Gadget), Greg A, Bruce and me Greg S.

Greg and i left the whiffy confines and headed into Newtown where we hit Gould’s book shop, this place is massive and is filled top to bottom with old book’s, record’s, magazine’s and as we later found a cat.

We fired Christine back up who was sitting proudly in her ‘Costanza spot’ right out the front and headed over the harbour bridge to Adam and Janelle’s new house, we hadn’t planned on staying long but Adam and Janelle surprised us by laying on a BBQ dinner, it was a lovely summer night and we got to sit out on their balcony eating and drinking and listening to music, we stayed till about nine then i got Greg back to his in laws at Engadine and i still had time to race up and see his little boy who i have dubbed Homer since he was a baby as that was one of the first words he could say clearly and it was great to also see Lesley, Greg’s wife .. who i must say had a look of understanding and compassion in her twinkling eyes when i emotionally told her of my ‘A Rose by any other name’ find.

ABOVE PIC: Janelle’s glam table setting.

ABOVE PIC: Greg, Adam and Greg.

ABOVE PIC: Adam, Janelle and Greg.

All in all I’d say that was the recipe for the perfect weekend, fun, sun and friends .. does anything much else matter?.

PIG BOARD:

Competative eating is something i’ve long admired and had an interest in, for me it is an extreme sport, especially knowing some of the extreme chemicals pumped into smallgood meats, i love these pics i found of a hot dog eating competition, the first photo is a thing of beauty to me, wild eyed and texta’d up boys with slight monkey belly’s driven into a sporting frenzy as they watch and cheer on their friends as they eat until they vomitt, it’s the simple things in life really.

ON THE SLIDE:

Nothing i love more than seeing someone take a tumble, and when it’s a royal it’s all the better, here we see Princess Anne lose her traction and dignity.

I’M JUST WILD ABOUT HARRY:

NEWTOWN: At the moment Phillip is up from Melbourne for work so on Saturday night i went up to visit him in his suite in the Sydney Hilton .. the poshest hotel i’ve ever set foot in, we then drove in to Newtown to meet up with Jake, Beryl, Andrew and Chris, who brought along some mutual friends which was great as i usually see them at Sleaze but missed them this year. How can you fault a night out with your friends?

HEY HEY BOB, I WANT TO MARRY YOU TOO: A very odd weekend was had by me, it started off on Friday night with myself and a group of friends going out for dinner and then attending the Bob Downe and Denise Drysdale show at the IPAC, the meal started off promising when one entree was delivered, then i lifted my top plate to discover a deceased blow fly laying on the bottom plate, got the plate changed but then nothing else, no food .. no service after an hour and a half we went to the counter and thanked them and asked if we could have our food in plastic containers because gee, we had other things to do, like be at a show in five minutes!! i cant believe my restraint, but i was in mixed company and my seething had to be plugged, we grabbed our food slops .. which is the only correct description for the shit they put in the plastic containers for us, threw them in Christine and ran to the show. The show itself was a little rough around the edges as it was only the second show of the tour, Bob carried the day with his usual camp and bitchy comments, i was pretty happy to get a pic with Bob and Denise after the show, i am now willing to confess that the very first single record i ever purchased with my own pocket money was ‘Hey Paula’ by Ernie Sigly and Denise Drysdale, there .. i said it.

PIC 1:
Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?

PIC 2:

Leg-art.

PIC 3:

Denise Drysdale.

PIC 4:

The ladies with Bob Downe.

PIC 5:

Better left uncaptioned.

SILVERFINGER: On Tuesday night myself, Steve and Melissa headed off to the Wollongong Entertainement centre to watch the Silverchair and Powderfinger concert, it was pretty awesome but it was funny as i was squished in with all these thousands of Emo twinks, i said to Melissa that i felt like ‘Ye olde father twink’, also got to meet up with a friend from the theatre Andrew, somehow we got on to the topic of lacing my body with explosives when i’m cremated, it was one of those nights.

100 THINGS ABOUT ME:

1. My name is Gregory Robert Jaimes Swan, I was named Gregory after the apparently handsome partner of the woman who was in the next bed to my mum in the maternity ward, other names up for consideration were Adrian (my preferred choice), Brett (rejected after my cousin told my mum it sounded like Brat, again Brett would have been a preferred option) My middle name of Robert comes from my uncle, second middle name is Jaimes .. long story, in a fit of boredom or more likely ‘Under the weatherness’ two friends and I decided we would officially change our names as we figured ‘Why not, you can change everything else, why be stuck with a name?’ so we grabbed a book and opened the pages randomly and put our fingers on the page and whatever was first or closest would be our name, my friend Phillip ended up with ‘Bentley Race’, my friend Marc had ‘Charlie Speed’ and I got ‘Jaimes Dylan Conran’ I was pretty pleased with this as I had wanted to add James to my name for a long time, it was the first name of my great x lots grandfather who first landed in Australia, the others pretty much forgot about the official part of changing there names but I went as far as going to the dept of ‘Births, deaths and marriages’ but when I found out it was going to cost about $100.00 to change my name on paper I balked, but later found out you only have to sign your name for so long and it becomes official anyway, thus for the last twelve years I have added Jaimes to my name. Equally as twisted is my last name of Swan, it appears changing names in this family is somewhat of a tradition as when we had our family tree traced we found out our real last name isn’t Swan but was changed from ‘Hornsby’ after a ‘family scandal’.

2. I don’t like being called Gregory, it just sounds too posh and gay, and I’m only called that by my mother when she is antsy with me.

3. I have various nicknames most common is Spud, Reg or Tammy and Liz.

4. I just break 6’0” in height if i tease my hair, I have no idea how tall that is in cm but i always thought i was much taller, maybe everyone’s just a lot shorter than i thought.

5. I am a sook who has been known to cry at an episode of the Brady Bunch and most recently an episode of ‘Extreme make over’.

6. I was born in 1965 and I’m now happy to admit that, I have the runs on the board and I appreciate each and every one of them.

7. My family have been in Wollongong for as far back as anyone remembers, I was born in Sydney but have never had any other postcode besides Wollongong.

8. I don’t smoke, tho I can.

9. I love to laugh, and live to laugh, I think if I spent less time laughing in school I’d be in a really cool job now, but I also believe laughing is a way we get through things.

10. I am prone to absurdist statements, which many people take as me making a serious comment, this cracks me up even more as so many things in life are so beyond out of control and deeply bad the only way I can cope with this fact is to joke about it, to emphasise the absurdity of what is confronting me.

11. I sleep lightly, and can’t sleep in, no matter how long I’m on holidays for I always wake at the same time, sort of like Kramer’s internal alarm.

12. I always feel I need more sleep, and I probably do I just have to get to bed earlier which is easier said than done, also stoning the Koal that lives in the tree outside my bedroom window would help.

13. I used to have to sleep with earplugs when I lived literally between six lanes of traffic.

14. I don’t drink coffee.

15. My handwriting looks like a child’s.

16. I have a social phobia and can’t write when people are watching me; I misspell and leave out letters.

17. All my family have beautiful handwriting.

18. I have two sisters and a brother who I get along great with, I don’t see my brother and one sister that often as they live in another state, I also live in another state but that’s another story.

19. I consider my brother in law and sister in law as my siblings, I can’t remember a time when they weren’t part of my family, I feel equally close to them as my blood siblings and when asked i tell people i have two brothers and three sisters.

20. I play the drums, I had lessons when I was a kid but the teacher told my dad that I was better off teaching myself as the theory was holding me back, I was a more natural player.

21. I can’t read music.

22. I have driven since I was a child, my father would sit me on his knee and let me drive home the last half a kilometre or so whenever we went out.

23. I was twelve when I drove solo for the first time, my sister in law convinced me to drive down the beach by myself to pick up my brother, not sure where my parents were.

24. I was once busted by an off duty police officer driving around and around in a car park, my dad was with me and the cop told him I should give it a few years.

25. I just cant do Sci Fi, the world is weird enough.

26. I have a strong creative drive but lack the confidence to push it’s limits.

27. I have been in the same job since I was eighteen.

28. I used to be amazingly lucky on chocolate wheels at fetes and fairs.

29. I adore the smell of hardware stores.

30. I adore the smell of many things, in fact I really am quite ‘Nostro’ like Divine in Polyester I love to smell things, and I remember smells and can relive them in my mind, I vividly recall the smell of the jelly printing tray in my first year school class, i guess you could call me a snifter, people have.

31. I secretly wish I was Jason Falkner.

32. I collect ‘Little golden books’ I find the illustrations and artwork in them, especially the older ones amazing.

33. I love Thai food and if i could only have one type of food for the rest of my life it would be that.

34. I have been vegetarian for fifteen years.

35. My mother still thinks my teeth are going to fall out and that I will fall to pieces because I don’t eat meat, and people still ask me “So you’re still vegetarian?” as if I’m an alcoholic fighting the urge not to drink, ahhhh let me assure you there are no urges or deep seeded desires to eat flesh.

36. I love animals, and I’m an animal liberationist but I just cant do the whole cuddly cat and dog thing.

37. I’m totally allergic to cat hair.

38. I have never lost a true friend.

39. I still have several friends from when I was a child, we don’t see each other every week but when we do catch up it’s like no time has passed at all, probably my two oldest and closest friends would be the two Julies I went to primary school with, even back then I had fag hags.

40. I am single, given the choice I would take a relationship; there is a lot to be said for them.

41. I am a very philosophical person, i’m amazingly insightful and deep, i’ve had many many amazing experiences and conversations that have led me on, and to a knowledge, understanding and belief that everything ages except the soul, it grows and becomes stronger and brighter when everything else fades .. oh, and i’m very humble ha ha.

42. I can’t play cards, although I used know a really cool card trick that people could never figure out, it was the one puzzle-ish thing I could do.

43. I could fly before I could figure out a Rubiks cube.

44. I’m learning Buddhist meditation, I got sucked in tho thinking it would be chanting and half of it is muscle busting Tai Chi!.

45. I find it hard to slow my mind and think of nothing, especially when my mind is saying ‘But you’re thinking about thinking of nothing!’.

46. My legs aren’t very strong, tho I have killer calf muscles that even bitter drag queens compliment.

47. I can sorta kinda sing a bit, and I used to be good when I was trained in a choir.

48. I seem to have a large number of friends, unfortunately they are scattered across the four corners of the globe, does the world have four corners? I mean its round.

49. I’m a pop culture freak.

50. I have no idea or concept of punctuation.

51. Dark chocolate is vile.

52. Olives are vile.

53. I like tea, my favourite being earl grey, chamomile and Lemongrass and chilli.

54. Milk makes me fart.

55. Soy milk doesn’t make me fart; you’ll be pleased to know I drink soy milk.

56. I cannot dance in a formal setting, in a nightclub yes, but once some formal choreography becomes involved I cannot for the life of me co ordinate myself, this baffles me, as a drummer I thought I’d have that co ordination sorted out.

57. I have never worn eyeliner.

58. I chose to celebrate my 40th birthday after much contemplation, I realised it was a landmark to get to a significant age.

59. I love to read, and I usually have about five books on the go at once, as well as heaps of magazines, my former partner nailed it when he called me ‘scattered’.

60. I love creative writing and I will allow myself that one concession that maybe it is something I’m good at, call me a wank.

61. I don’t like surf sandals and I don’t trust people who wear them.

62. I have good looking feet.

63. On my upper right leg is a large area where I have no feeling.

64. I firmly believe respect is earnt.

65. I don’t wear gold jewellery.

66. My hairdresser is fabulous and I have gone to her for over ten years now, she knows all my secrets and i hope she has deleted the sms i sent her from Mardi Gras by mistake.

67. I don’t have a particular ‘type’ I have learnt that attraction comes in all shapes and sizes and that ultimately it is the makeup of the individual and the connection between the ‘two’ people.

68. I have worn converse Chuck Taylor high side sneakers since I was about ten, I have photos from way back then of me wearing them, they are almost my trademark.

69. I always seem to buy jeans one season out of date, but then that’s hot as it makes them embarrassingly retro, to new to be old too old to be new, that uncomfortable fashion phase of not in and not out, people think I just don’t have fashion together, I do .. I just like to upset people who place importance on these things.

70. When I find a shirt I like I buy a heap of them.

71. I don’t like tight shirts, and they don’t like me (one exception here, i love my black Bonds wringer tight t shirts .. but thats it)

72. I’m a romantic who dreams of happily ever afters for everyone, tho I’m realist enough to know that there is no forever.

73. I love nice soap, honey milk and coconut will do it for me.

74. I love discovering the ‘meaning’ of things, mainly words and reasons.

75. I have never had a beard or a moustache, I don’t like prickles.

76. I have blue eyes that seem to get commented on.

77. I wish I was shorter.

78. I am determined to visit London one day.

79. I love architecture, and have reams of drawings and sketches and plans I have drawn up of homes and buildings.

80. I’m fascinated by buildings and structures and the construction and design of them, the sheer complexity of it all.

81. I only know about three of my times tables, I think I’m numerically dyslexic.

82. Maths is a mystery to me, I used to panic about that but now I just get out a calculator.

83. I have been to the top of the Empire State Building.

84. In my opinion two of the most underrated virtues are kindness and compassion.

85. I cannot understand or comprehend cruelty; I cannot grasp how mankind has not evolved from it.

86. I do not have an addictive personality, that is a gene that passed me by.

87. I don’t really get embarrassed, I figure that only happens when you let things worry you, I figure take ownership of the moment and be proud of whatever happened and just pass it off with a ‘Yeh, I did that’.

88. I don’t know the difference between ‘did’ and ‘done’ and I’m not interested in learning it.

89. I think I have invented a phobia, and that’s when you reach into the shower to turn on the hot water and your arm is sprayed with the cold, I cant stand that and it freaks me out, I have mastered all manner of manoeuvres to whip my arm in and out before the icy splash but every now and then I still cop a cold squirt which can make me feel ill at ease for the rest of the day.

90. My name is credited in about ten books, one of which ‘The Beatles Anthology’ was number 1 on the New York Times best seller list.

91. I am credited in the movie ‘The US vs. John Lennon’.

92. I feel love, my family, friends and things I hold dear, I have experienced it and acknowledge it and I’m on a life long quest to better understand it and appreciate it, I’m excited as with each passing minute it becomes more profound and clear.

93. Music moves me to the depths of my soul, I have had the most extreme, deep and surreal experiences while listening to music, usually in a concert setting, I’ve seen Brian Wilson several times and each time there has been at least one moment when the music has been ‘in’ me, it has elevated me to a higher plane, I can ‘feel’ the music and almost see it, these are the moments where it feels like ice water is trickling down your back.

94. I have a handwritten note over my desk at work that a friend put there, it says simply ‘Time’.

95. I’m a thinker, some would call it ‘Deep’ I find it hard to stumble through life and just take it for what it is, I like to work towards finding out ‘why’ it is.

96. My favourite saying is ‘Life is a journey, not a destination’.

97. I love op shopping; I have it down to a fine art.

98. I can’t program a video and put together anything technical, like tuning in a television, does not compute.

99. Looking back on it I’ve met a lot of famous people, some of the biggies including Paul McCartney and Princess Diana, after meeting those two fame monsters I’m quite cool calm and collected when I meet famous people now, I love the cult of celebrity and it’s always a thrill to meet someone famous or infamous.

100. There is more than a hundred things to know about me.

As promised an array of some of Beryl Palmers most alluring fashions.

Blue eye shadow: I’m not sure if it’s a fault in the actual photo, or if Beryl was pissed when she applied her blue eye shadow, but it looks as if she’s smeared it up her arm. We can also see Beryl isn’t as poor as she makes out, as she obviously has at least two watches judging by the tan mark on her arm. Upon close examination we can see that Beryl either has a lump of spinach on her tooth, or she pre dated Madonna’s gold tooth fashion accessory by about twenty years.

Ribbon: Aaaaah lovely, red taffeta how can you go wrong with that?. The little red ribbon around Beryl’s neck reminds me of the yellow ribbon’s American’s tie around tree’s whenever a hostage is taken, maybe this is Beryl’s message, that she is a hostage to taffeta and extreme fashion.
I have no medical training whatsoever, but i am a little concerned about the obvious fluid retention in Beryls hands.

Swizzle stick: Not sure what is going on here, Beryl may have a little Indian influence happening, then again, maybe she got the pattern wrong, and misjudged the hem of her smock when she was running this up on her pfaff. I’m loving the Baby Jane rouge on the cheeks, and she’s got a glass of larney juice as an accessory, now THAT’S style.

Gut buster: Okay, it’s obvious now from the number of photo’s of Beryl having a tipple, that they had to get her pissed to wear some of these frocks. The skirt Beryl is wearing in this photo, is the kind old ladies usually wear to disguise a fibroid growth. As a bonus we get the Tammy Faye eye make up, and the ever disturbing, puffy sleeves.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrr: Red and green should never be seen, either dye the hair Beryl, or lose the frock!

Cardie: B/w, but how artistic. You know i never saw Beryl wearing a cardie with her arms through the sleeves, she always wore them over the shoulder, which must have been a pain in the arse on those cold, blustery, Melbourne days.

Blue ruin: Only Beryl would think to match the blue piping on her sleeves, with her eye shadow.

Podiatrophile: A revealing close up of one of Beryl’s gorgeous gold heels, i must say, I’m mightily impressed that there is nary a sign of a corn, unless she’s had them shaved off. You can tell she lives in heels, by the almost Japanese foot binding shape of her toes.

What can be said about the group The Shaggs? Perhaps the most unerving thing is, they were full on serious. When you listen to this, you will realise just how scary that concept is.

I’m not one who agree’s with violence in any form, but lets face it, Beryl Palmer in ‘Son’s and Daughters’ probably deserved at the very least, a fierce berating for all the fashion attrocities she inflicted upon the general public over the years.

Going back to those moments of, ‘I should have known i was gay when .. ‘

During a recent clean up, i found a video tape i had made years ago of Beryl’s fashion disasters I used to tape the show, and edit all of Beryls entrances together, so it’s one long putrid fashion parade. Even more scarey was turning up my stash of late 70’s/early 80’s Tv Week magazines, where i had kept each issue that featured the salubrious Beryl. I think it’s only fair to share some of those images, with those foolish enough to visit this page, stay tuned.

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS:

A few weeks ago my mate Dave from Melbourne paid his first visit to Wollongong, we crammed heaps in in two days, from perving at surfie boys at the beach, site seeing at the top of a mountain AND a full on ‘RAWK AND ROLL’ concert, i think Dave was quite surprised that Wollongong wasnt some grimey impoverished industrial town which to most people still is the perception.

PIC 1: This is still one of the best views i’ve seen anywhere, it’s the top of My Keira at the back of Wollongong.

PIC 2: Ahhhhhhhhh Dave, there’s something i’ve got to tell you .. the lookout where we are standing in this photo slipped about a thousand metres into the valley below two weeks after this pic was taken, lucky we got it when we did!

PIC 3: ‘HELLO WOLONGONG!!’ and so the cry went up from the stage at the Paul Stanley concert at the Wollongong Entertainment Centre, i kept commenting to Dave ‘Wow, he still has a full head of hair’ .. nup, plugs. ‘Wow, his face still looks youthful’ .. nup, lifted ‘Wow, he still moves really well’ .. nup, two hip replacements. Call me old fashioned but maybe i’d better stop asking questions about my heroes as it only ever leads to disappointment, next thing i’ll be hearing is that Brittney really IS sane.

PIC 4: Total t shirt envy, Dave turned up with this shirt and i really think it’s one of the coolest ones i’ve ever seen.

For the longest time i’ve been collecting putrid album covers, i can sniff out a Mrs Mills album from a mile away. I’m going to start posting a few of them here, how many ‘K-tell’ album covers will you be able to stomach?

Oh Courtney, Courtney, Courtney .. what have you DONE to yourself!!?? what made you think you would look better after having someone batter, and slash away at your face!?. This is so, so, wrong. You were so beautiful before this.

MORE FROM THE NOTICE BOARD:

Chug-a-lug darl!: It’s hard to tell weather the delectable Pauline is slamming down a shot glass, or sculling something from a specimen jar, looks like a specimen jar to me. Is it just me or does her nose look like it has a permanant groove in it from accomodating said shot/specimen glasses? .

Pauline the fashionista: Oh my lovely, no one tucks in a ‘Magnetic island’ t shirt into to her Supre jeans and comes off looking stunning quite like Pauline, and tho you cant see it i just know she is wearing cowboy boots with the jeans tucked into the top, or maybe an erection rousing pair of white joggers .. oh my dear sweet Pauline, didnt my heart beat with pride when the Ostrayan nation took you to their hearts on ‘Dancing with the stars’, yes indeedy it filled my heart with such hope to see how the Ostrayan public took you in as the poster girl for all that is white, bright .. and not a little bit brown, or gay .. what a fantastic country of forward thinking, individualistic people we have down here in Ostraya.

EXIT, STAGE LEFT:

Recently Adam has been using me as a stunt man for some of his little projects, as a mock up for a new web page he built he needed me to act as if i was being pulled off the stage with a hook around my neck, this wasn’t too bad, but then ..

He needed me to have my head cast in latex and plaster to make a life mask, i was assured I’d be alright ‘We’ll leave some holes where your nostrils are, we looked this up on the net’ riiiiiiight, that makes me feel a lot more assured, of course the net didn’t mention that plaster when drying becomes hot, which causes ones sinuses to swell and close!!

The spooky end result, by the way, that’s the real me on the left!

JFKFC:
Ahhhhhh Joan, you’ve got to love her, what a toiler. When she wasnt starring in TROG opposite a man in a papier mache gorilla costume, she was flogging Pepsi, working the Oval office or trying to get the secret of the eleven herbs and spices out of Colonel Sanders, what a gem.

Talking to a friend in an email about Diana prompted me to remember the time I met her in 1988. I’m a Di-ist not a Royalist, so meeting Diana was a dream come true, it still rates right up there on my ‘I can’t believe that happened’ list.

It was January 1988, and Diana and Charles came to Wollongong to open the IPAC (Illawarra Performing Arts Centre) I got there early and cased the joint, looking for spots where Charles and Diana would have to slow down or stop their walking. I found out they were going to enter the town hall through the back door, so they would have to walk up from where they were sitting for the ceremony.

During my sniffing around I overheard a girl talking near the back door and she was telling someone that her mum was the deputy Lord Mayor, and that her mum was going to try and bring Diana over to meet her. Strait away I channelled Larry Tate and became her instant best friend. Seeing I was there early I was in the front row, and no interloper was going to get in front of me.

Sure enough after the BORING speeches were made Diana started to walk up towards us, and I was horrified to see Charles the ninny was working the crowd on OUR side!!, When Diana got closer the deputy Lord Mayor said to her, ‘Princess Diana my daughter is just over here, could you say hello?’ so bless her Jimmy Choo pumps she said ‘Of course!’ and came over to us. The best part was watching the crowd moan and hiss when she left the side opposite, Charles had to go and apologise and stay out of peoples way while they strained to look at Diana who was now on our side of the walkway.

To this day the memory is seared into my brain, she stood no more than a foot away from me talking, and honestly, for a young queen I was awe struck by her natural beauty. Her skin WAS translucent, and her eyes crystal clear blue. When it came time for me to say hello, protocol flew out the window as I said, ‘Hi Di!’ as I shook her hand, and just talked shit.

I know it’s< been said a million times before, and people would say it was just the excitement of being close to her, but she really did exude a lovely warmth, a beautiful aura, I've only felt this one other time, and that was when I met Linda McCartney, some people really do have a beauty that radiates. As soon as she moved away I after our chat, and shaking hands, I pulled a tissue out of my pocket and wiped her blue blood, DNA, royal juices onto it. I still have the soiled tissue safely tucked away. The photo's I took that day aren't that clear as it was
so bright and hot, the reflection of the late afternoon sun on the surrounding buildings hit the lens, but the heat DID mean that Diana was broiling up a lovely stream of genetic juice on her palms, which enabled me to get a good swipe onto my poised Kleenex.

Just as Diana moved past me someone behind was standing on an old wooden fruit box, and in their excitement must have been bouncing up and down on it, sure enough, the rickety old crate gave way, splintered, and broke apart. This would have been funny, except the sound of the timber splintering sounded like gunfire, Diana’s security all grabbed for their jacket pockets, and armed SWAT officers popped up from on top of the surrounding buildings (I filmed this on an old Super 8 camera).

The crowd laughed when they realised it was just the fruit box that had fallen to pieces, and security visibly relaxed, but for a few seconds it was a little hairy. I’ve met a lot of famous (and infamous) people over the years, but to this day meeting Diana remains very special.

The Royal Slaynel: Well you’ve got to give it to Wollongong, we do try, sure we couldnt offer Charles and Diana a Rolls Royce, but it does look like they at least gave the old Ford Fairlane a wash and a polish.

Diana: I snapped this photo just before Diana stopped in front of us for a chat.

The Kleenex: Below we see my forensic pride and joy, a smear of Diana’s DNA from her sweaty hand.

New Idea: Below is a photo of Diana in Wollongong that was printed in New Idea.

Below: Just about to meet Diana.

HARRISON’S LAMENT:
Alas, alas dear sweet Harrison, for we did but know you such a short sweet time, oh wondrous faux blonde moppet shafted from Big Brother before we had the chance to gaze apon your pert sweet anus, protruding incisors catch the glint of the morning sun, blonde downy welcome mat awaits my tired and journeyed feet. Cast aside from the realms of reality tv back to the even more awful reality of unemployment, you have given us joy ever so briefly with your dimples and snail trail of perfection, artificial dread locklettes studio 54 mid calf white socks a wonder of 50% cotton and 50% brynylon. Begone!! you haggard buzzard Gretel, be silenced you excessive sibilancer! for this year you offend me .. alas, alas.

NOTICE BOARD: Ever since i was a teenager i’ve had a notice board stuck up on my wall where i pin up and stick all sorts of shit, it’s followed me around wherever i’ve moved, last week i decided it was time to strip away the layers and file the bits and pieces away, it was sorta funny seeing all these scrappy memories, before i threw them in a drawer i scanned up a few bits and pieces that i stuck up on the board.

Hot Rod Dog: I’ve always had a thing about dogs in slings and carts, i think it harkens back to a dog i saw when i was just a little child that had been hooked up to a kids play trolly when it had lost the use of it’s legs, i see now some of these disabled pooches even have mag wheels and suspension!.

Rosey Cheeks: Mariana and Barb’s sent me this stunning card, Hilary looks like she would have stinky hair.

Bored Doodlings: I got bored one day and doodled on this postcard in Melbourne and then mailed it to myself, what a sad plonker i am.

Baltimore: A crab scratchie i purchased in Baltimore the store i got this was the setting for a John Waters movie, i still cant believe i didnt buy a ‘I got crabs in Baltimore’ t shirt, oh well .. i’ll just have to go back.

JFKFC: My luggage tag from New York, the greatest city in the world (besides Sydney and Melbourne) i’d live there in a flash and felt like it was my home after just two days.

Pretty Pretty Dr Smith: Ah yes, the Hey Homo parties at HOME night club at Cockle bay, how novel that the urinals were mirrors with cascading water down them .. it’s art sweetie.